Marriage - An age old tradition

So last night my colleague Miss M arrived from the Philippines after a long summer vacation with her family.

She returned bright and bubbly and then we noticed it, a beautiful white gold ring encrusted with a pearl in the centre on the ring finger of her right hand (An engagement ring I would presume). As she watched us noticing the ring, a huge grin emerged on her face and then she said ‘Finally, at the age of forty I’m engaged to the man of my dreams. Better late than never...Miss M is a beautiful fair skinned woman with silky smooth long hair. She looks more like a 25 year old rather than a 40 year old. She is petite and well groomed. As we sitting around sipping some Arabic coffee (Qahwah) and having cake that our friend from the kitchen delivered to us (Mr. F is the man working in the Royal kitchen…Now and then he pops by to deliver some goodies for us) it was interesting to get different cultures perspective of marriage. Miss M said that she has no regrets in life getting married at this age. She has worked hard, accomplished many goals in life and is now ready to settle down with someone she really likes. Reality is that Miss M has had many proposals in the past and I guess that’s because of the sweet angelic look she has but never settled down as she was waiting for Mr. Right.

Then we have Miss R, a 25 year old Saudi woman with a bright and bubbly personality. She hails from a traditional wealthy Saudi family although she thinks that they are modernistic simply because all the siblings in her home have studied abroad in the UK or the USA, herself included. At present Miss R feels she is under tremendous pressure to marry. Her mom is a principle at a government school here in Riyadh. Usually during the weekends Saudi women entertain themselves by having parties at their homes. Women arrive at these parties all dressed up in designer wear, backless, sleeveless, boob tube, mini skirt, you name it and you’ll find it at these parties. Some of these parties even have a female DJ. Women enjoy the night away smoking shisha, dancing and it’s quite unfortunate but in the wealthy families you would even find many women drinking champagne and wine. Miss J’s mom is very much a socialite always frequenting many parties during the month and of course Miss J needs to accompany her so that one of the women at the party will fancy her for their son. So far Miss J has had two proposals. One from her cousin and one from Mr. N who is her mom’s best friends son and who just happens to be a pilot and also hails from a very wealthy family. What I’ve noticed in Saudi is that tradition rules over religion. Class, status and family roots matter. A woman who is from a rich family would marry a man who is also from a wealthy family. This is usually the case. However, Miss R has other plans. She wishes to travel abroad to complete a masters degree and think about marriage at a later stage. She is quite bold enough to admit that she wishes to marry another cousin who is studying in the USA at the moment. He grew up with her since childhood. Her point of view is to marry someone from within the family that she knows well rather than marrying an outsider and then be surprised after marriage about his past.

In her family the elders usually meet during the weekends at their small farm holding (Istarahah) where the men of the family discuss the future of the kids. She mentioned to us that last week it was mentioned that she should wed the cousin from the USA that she loves and adores.

These kind of traditional arranged marriages is very much the norm in Saudi Arabia where there is a strict segregation of the sexes. In many parts of remote India the same still occurs today. This kind of tradition use to also occur in South Africa during the time of my grand parents and even my own parents who also happen to be first cousins. My grand mother use to always say that in their time they could n’t simply make decisions on their own. Whatever the elders decided, that was it. Through this system of arranged marriage many marriages have been successful and have stood the test of time…But have they really been successful or did couples stay together to avoid being frowned upon by society. I know of some women who have endured years of abuse at the hands of their husbands simply to keep the family together.

The divorce rate here in Saudi Arabia is shockingly high and quite understandably too. I don’t think it’s an easy situation marrying someone you hardly know, someone that others have chosen for you. These principles are cultural and traditional, definitely not Islamic. Islam has always liberated women. Islam gives the woman a right to marry someone of her choice. But in Saudi Arabia in most instances the woman is not given that choice. Her parents or the elders decide for her. Miss R is very lucky that her parents are liberal in their thinking and so they have offered her the choice of choosing who she wants to marry. But for her friend it was a different situation. Her friend was madly in love with her cousin who she grew up with as a child. During their teenage years, they departed ways to complete their studies in different countries abroad but they were still very much in touch through emails, calls etc. When they both returned they decided to get married, however the girl’s mother prevented the wedding after having an internal family feud with the boy’s mom and insisted that her daughter now marries a suitor from outside the family despite the couple being madly in love with each other. Within a month of her return from abroad Miss I got married to a man she did n’t know. She told us that for all girls a wedding day is suppose to be the happiest day of her life but for her it was like a funeral. She was sad and upset. She spent the night before crying and kept on wondering what kind of a mom does she have. Which mother would cause her kids pain and grief?

The man she married was a kind man though. The community spoke well of him. He was well educated and his family owned numerous businesses. He went out of his way to make his wife happy. But her heart was somewhere else. Today Miss I is the mother of one child and is divorced. She simply couldn’t see herself staying with someone she didn’t love.

Her cousin also divorced his wife a few years down the line. This is just one of many stories that I have heard of in the Kingdom. So from one wedding, we now have four ruined lives and two kids that would never know what it’s like living with both parents. They wouldn’t experience summer holidays together as a family. They would grow up missing something in their lives.

My mom always gets asked the same silly question: so when is your daughter settling down. I always get asked by members of the community especially the old frail woman at the dry cleaners when am I planning to settle down and have my kids. It’s like a never ending story. I stop, sigh and brush it off with Insha Allah (When God wills) and then I walk away and ask myself. Are these people muslims? I mean, they call themselves mulsim, they pray five times a day so then don’t they believe in takdeer and destiny which is one of the principles a muslim should believe it. A principle that states that the time a human being is born, God has already written down their destiny for them. What profession they will have, how much of money will they earn and of course who their partner in life will be is all written out the day we are born. And prayer or supplication to God is the only way of changing ones destiny.

I sometimes wonder what is wrong with society. Why does society make it seem that the status of a woman is always dependent on a man or her husband? Why do they make it feel that if a woman is single at suppose late twenties or thirties that they are “on the shelf” and will never marry and remain single for the rest of their lives. This stupid mentality seems to exist within the Indian and the Arab community alike. Ask yourself how many women who are married are actually truly happy from within? And then perhaps you have a single woman who is happy and content, who has lots to offer the world in terms of her career and profession, assisting people from all walks of life, giving back to the world. She is happy within yet society feels pity for her. I always believe if something is written out for you it will happen at that exact, precise time. Not a minute earlier or not a minute later. This is Gods will. We are all simply His servants here to carry out His wishes and commands. Each one of us has come to this earth with a different purpose. There are some of us who will marry, procreate and move on with their lives in this manner. There are some of us who focus our lives on studying, acquiring knowledge and helping society. And if marriage is destined in the future then for sure it will happen.

I also think that in current times, people have lost the focus of marriage. It’s all about wealth and of course status. Rich want to marry rich to become even wealthier. Poor families try to marry off their daughters to wealthy men to secure their daughters future. I met a woman at a social gathering who simply annoyed me by her comment, “Oh My God, you are the only daughter. You probably so spoiled. I wonder who will land up marrying you. Plus you such a globetrotter. Which man will accept a woman like you?” This is the kind of mentality our society is made up of. People pass judgment having met you for a short, brief period of time without really knowing the real you. I mean so what if I’m the only daughter. I may be the only daughter, but at the same time I was brought up with values, etiquette and principles.

I also think that Arab as well as Indian men are afraid or feel intimidated by well educated career women especially if the  woman earns a higher salary than the man. This kind of mentality comes from culture and tradition as Islam has always promoted the equality of the sexes and has emphasized on seeking knowledge for both men and women. Which brings me back to another strange Saudi concept. Most Saudi women working in a hospital setting are not married. This was established in a national survey a few months back and the reason for this was because most families felt that a woman working in a hospital setting will not make a good daughter in law and will embarrass the family name by interacting with male colleagues within the hospital setting. Again this is a very cultural, tribal, Bedouin way of thinking and has nothing to do with pure mainstream Islam.

So the next time you meet me at a gathering or walking down the road and you decide to take out the topic on the age old tradition of marriage, don’t be surprised if you are clobbered on the head with my Louis Vuitton hand bag. Pray for the happiness of my family, pray for my well being and the goodness of humanity as a whole as it is prayer and prayer alone that changes destiny……!!!!! Speaking of destiny I did n’t anticipate traveling to Malawi next week. It all just happened within two hours. So you see folks, we never know what’s in store for us next!!!!! Enjoy each day as it comes and let destiny take its course…