Sex and Beyond

Sex along with sexual related matters is very much a taboo subject here in the conservative Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and hence I find that young Saudi couples grow up with many misconceptions regarding sex in general. I have noticed varying sexual behaviours among young Saudi couples. Anal sexual intercourse is a very common practice within the Arab world even though the Quraan clearly mentions that it is forbidden in Islam. My colleagues in the emergency department have encountered female patients who are admitted due to bleeding as a result of slight tears in the colonic lining as a result of anal intercourse. Many husbands insist that their wives have anal intercourse with them. I have come across Saudi women who have divorced their husbands due to their persistence in engaging in anal intercourse. It is interesting to note though that many Saudi women do engage in anal sex prior to marriage. This allows them to still retain their virginity. I have encountered Saudi women coming to the pharmacy for fleet enemas that they utilize as a douche to clean out the back passage before engaging in anal sex. Unlike in South Africa there are no guidance classes at a schooling level to teach young Saudis about their bodies and sexuality and this of course causes problems later on in life as you will establish through the next story below.
Every Thursday and Fridays I dispense medication to the infertility clinic patients. A few months ago prior to my vacation I had a chat with one of the OB-Gynae doctors from Canada who mentioned to me that in Saudi there is a dire need for sex education. The doctor had a young couple as his patient. They were in their early twenties and were married for four years. They resided in one of the rural areas outside of Riyadh city. The woman could not fall pregnant and her in laws were now encouraging her husband to take on a second wife or divorce her and then marry someone else. After conducting all the routine tests, it was discovered that both the husband and the wife were in perfect sexual health. The doctor was baffled. He then explicitly questioned the couple about their sexual life and it was then discovered that they were in fact engaging in anal sex rather than vaginal sex. That explained the painful sexual experience the woman complained about. A few days ago I met the OB-Gynae doctor again and he informed me that the woman came by the emergency department for anti nausea medication as she had finally fallen pregnant and is expecting her first child to the delight of the entire family. I had another case of a woman utilizing birth controls and yet she was falling pregnant on a yearly basis. When the medical team questioned her she mentioned to them that she takes her pill diligently. When she was further questioned as to how she takes her medication she informed them that she only pops one pill prior to intercourse as opposed to it being taken every day at a specific time. Whilst their seems to be a complete lack of sex education in the Kingdom, one Saudi gentleman has decided to tackle these misconceptions heads on. I came across Dr. Abdul al Lily’s blog ‘Sex and Beyond’ a few months ago whilst surfing the internet and the first thought that ran through my mind was ‘wowww’. Dr. Abdul chooses to handle a taboo and sensitive subject in a very polite and respectful manner whilst still making sure that he gets his point across. Read on to find out more in his own words...Q3TCETW4B3SA

Nationality: Saudi

Education:

 PhD: Education, Technology, Sociology and Organisational Politics

MA: Information, Commutation, Technology and Education

BA: Maths and Education

Career:

 Assistant Professor (Promotion in Process): King Faisal University

Lecture (2009-13): King Faisal University

Teaching Assistant (2005-9): King Faisal University

Maths Teacher (2005): Royal Commission

1. Firstly, thank you for agreeing to be interviewed despite your very hectic lifestyle. So tell me who is Dr. Abdul Al Lily? Tell me a little bit about your background. Where were you born? Basically a brief synopsis of your life from a child up until adulthood.

I was born in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and lived there till I turned 21 when I moved to Canada for a few months, then to England for around 7 years, then back to Saudi Arabia till now. At the age of 11, I joined an ideological community that trained its members in so many skills (e.g. computing, languages, management, organisation and graphics) and, more importantly, educated them intensively in Saudi Arabian culture and its theoretical aspects. I was very active and disciplined in this community, to the extent that I became an authority in this community at the age of 17. Through this community, I got very ‘culturalised’ and managed to achieve a high level of theoretical understanding of Saudi culture, to the extent that this qualified me to become a cultural authority outside this community, becoming at the age of 16 a ‘mouezzin’ (i.e. the person who issues the call to prayer from a mosque) and then at the age of 18 an ‘imam’ (i.e. an Islamic leadership position, often the worship leader of a mosque and a Muslim community, who may lead Islamic worship services, serve as community leaders and provide religious guidance). At the age of 20, I managed to memorise the whole Quran with understanding of the rules governing pronunciation during recitation of the Quran, and therefore I became qualified as an authority to teach others how to recite Quran. I, moreover, was an educational supervisor in Hajj five times.

Because I was always very keen to influence the organisation to which I am attached, I was very politically and socially active at school and engaged even with the regional education agency. Likewise, at the university where I did my undergraduate studies, I was a leader of social activities. Despite me being politically and socially active, my academic studies still had a top priority, and for this reason, I managed to pass my undergraduate studies with distinction and to gain a royal reward for the highest academic achievement in the Eastern Province of Saudi Arabia. Beside my academic studies, I attended a great number of seminars and lectures in the theoretical and practical aspects of Saudi culture. When I got my BA degree, I decided to learn English. I always like to do what people find difficult to do, and since English is considered (at least by Saudis) to be something difficult to learn, my focus had become on learning English. But the problem was that my background in English was zero. I did not even know what the term ‘newspaper’ meant in English. So, since the second I finished my undergraduate studies, I started studying English intensively for a year in Saudi Arabia, and then moved to Canada to continue learning English, then to England to study particularly academic English and do my postgraduate studies.

2. I remember the first time I came across your blog I was completely blown away by your open minded broad personality. Why did you start the blog ‘Sex and Beyond’?

Moving to such multicultural countries (Canada and then England) gave me the opportunity to explore other cultures and compare them to Saudi culture. This has indeed improved my critical ability to analyse Saudi culture and look at it from a new perspective. I have decided to share my new perspective with the international community, believing that this sharing is of the essence given that the world is witnessing a high level of cultural exchange but the contribution of Saudi culture to this exchange was weak and limited. So, I decided to write about Saudi culture, thus enriching information about Saudi culture in this international cultural exchange. Many Saudis avoid critically and internationally writing about Saudi culture for various reasons, including not being good at writing in English, not being good at theoretically and critically analysing Saudi culture, not having the writing skill, not being good at expressing themselves and/or not feeling politically confident. Another reason why there is a lack of writings about Saudi Arabian culture is that Saudi Arabia is a collective society, and therefore anyone writing about Saudi culture thinks of himself or herself as a representative of Saudi culture, which therefore puts so much pressure on himself or herself, thus discouraging him/her from writing about this culture. Likewise, because of this collectiveness, Saudi citizens think of any Saudi writer about Saudi culture as a representative of Saudi society, and therefore they will be hard on him or her if s/he misrepresents the culture.

3. I must say that you are very brave to be blogging about a taboo subject by utilizing your real name. Have you experienced any repercussions of this in terms of members of the Saudi society criticizing your blog or attacking you on a personal level?

Not really, and a key reason seems that the blog is written in English and therefore is read only by those Saudis who can speak English. Those Saudis who can speak English tend to be highly educated and have normally been to the West, which makes them somehow tolerant. That said, I did receive some inappropriate comments from some such Saudis. For example, one said to a friend of mine: ‘If I see Abdul, I’ll piss on him.’ Another wrote to me: ‘You’re strange.’ A critic of my blog saw me as being a ‘disgrace’ to Saudi culture.

4. I do know for a fact that many Saudi men and women are sexually active prior to marriage. Many women admit themselves in hospitals abroad for hymenoplasty or vaginoplasty type operations prior to marriage with some surgeons even inserting blood capsules to create the illusion of blood on the wedding night. Do you think that too much of emphasis is placed on virginity and the hymen? Many Saudi men are involved in multiple relationships before marriage but still expect to marry a virgin, pure bride. Do you think that this double standard that does exist within Saudi society needs to change?

Some might hold the belief that Saudi society has witnessed so many challenges, and many of these challenges are challenges just because they have been turned into challenges and because they are exaggerated by the culture that generates them. For example, virginity and gender separation, for example, are, it could be believed, challenges just because they have been turned into challenges and because they are exaggerated by the culture that generates them.

5. What are your thoughts on polygamous relationships?

This issue has been already discussed widely by the media and writers.

6. Do you think that sex education needs to be implemented at perhaps a high school level in Saudi Arabia?

It could be believed that sex education is needed, and this is an important element of any civilised society. Some Saudis seem aware of the importance of sex education but the problem seems that they are sensitive about and feel uncomfortable with the term ‘sex education.’ So, the problem here is merely with terminology. Some might feel that Saudi parents might not have a problem with the idea of there being a ‘sex education’ syllabus, but they might have a problem with what should be included in such a syllabus. I was wondering if Saudi parents would refuse sex education if it carried a different name and was integrated into the biology syllabus, for example.

The question that should be addressed is whether sex education should exist in the Saudi education system. Some might believe that one will learn about sex with or without sex education, thanks to the Internet and to the information revolution. Others, however, might argue that the Internet might expose Saudis to certain aspects of sex (e.g. how to achieve more pleasant sex, including positions) but not to other aspects (e.g. how to achieve safe sex). Sex education has the potential to, or at least should, cover all possible aspects of sex and give students a comprehensive view on sexual practice.

7. Can you perhaps share some of the interesting misconceptions or stories you have come across with my blog readers?

One problem is that some Saudi readers have judged my blog without thoroughly reading it. Another problem is that some readers judge the blog as a whole not its individual ideas. An additional problem is that people do not differentiate between the blog and the blogger, and therefore they might direct their criticism to the blogger not to the blog itself and its ideas. Some people think that, since I am an active writer about sexual practice, this means that I am sexually active. They forget that I am just a writer/researcher who is interested in analysing social issues regardless of the sensitivity of these issues. By way of illustration, writing about AIDS does not necessarily mean that the writer has AIDS. Likewise, writing about sex does not necessarily mean that the writer is sexually active. Some Saudis want to keep their ‘business’ for themselves and therefore are not interested in cultural exchange and mutual understanding, which explains why such Saudis are not happy with such a blog as mine.

8. Not so long ago a Saudi man was arrested for coming on live television and discussing his sex life along with his passion for sex toys. In Bahrain there is apparently one sex toy shop owned by a woman and the authorities there are constantly trying to shut it down yet in the same breath the religious scholars have mentioned that it is permissible for a husband and wife to pleasure each other with toys. Do you think that these type of shops should be allowed in the Middle East in general? Many Saudis order such paraphernalia from abroad.

Some of the Saudi Arabian social authorities forget that tools remain tools that can be used for good or for evil, and therefore the best way of handling these tools is not to ban them and therefore spread a sense of repression throughout society, but rather to educate citizens in how to use these tools for good. One might argue that such tools (i.e. sex toys) can be exploited to enhance the sexual pleasure of any married life, and therefore there is no cultural problem when allowing them. 

9. What are your thoughts with regards to the Saudi authorities controlling the subject of marriage whereby approval by such authorities is required if a Saudi wishes to marry a non-Saudi?

I actually always wonder why such approval is required.

10. Homosexuality and Lesbianism is an issue that is rife within the Kingdom as I have witnessed personally. Where has this culture emerged from? Do you think it is a direct result of strict gender segregation?

Saudi culture actually acknowledges the historical existence of homosexuality, but the struggle comes when discussing how to deal with it. Gender separation seems to have resulted in a new aspect of ‘homosexuality’ whereby one engages in sexual activity with one or more of the same gender despite the fact that he is not homosexual but the reason is that he cannot express his sexual desire with people of the other gender due to gender separation. So, engaging sexually with people of the same gender is done just because it is the only possible way of getting rid of one’s sexual desire anyway, or at least out of curiosity.

11. On a more personal note, have you ever lost friends or have you ever been threatened due to a viewpoint you expressed on your blog?

Not really, for various reasons. One is that I am trying so hard to be diplomatic and charismatic as much as possible, which seems to have discouraged any cruel social reaction towards the blog. Besides, there has apparently become no (or at least hardly any) physical harm to anyone criticising Saudi cultural and social values and patterns - with the exception of the fundamental norms of the national political system which I intentionally avoid talking about in the blog. There, however, remains some social hatred towards such critics. That said, I have started to notice that some Saudis (whether young or old, liberal or even conservative) somehow admire, normally secretly, anyone who is ‘westernized’/’modernized’ and has its own distinctive way of seeing Saudi culture, especially when this person is successful and delivers his/her criticisms in a polite and delicate way. Frankly, given the fact that I hold a doctoral degree and am a faculty member in Saudi Arabia, this grants me so much prestige, which makes Saudis show respect to me despite my critical writings about their culture. Besides, the fact that I did my master’s and doctorate in the West and lived over there for a long time, this makes people somehow forgive me for viewing their culture through a critical lens. I am, as mentioned earlier, a faculty member in a Saudi university, teaching a large number of Saudi undergraduates, and since the relationship between me and my students tends to be good, these students are more likely to become influenced by my values, thus increasing the number of my followers and therefore my ‘protectors.’

12. In your opinion what are the positives or negatives of blogging?

In terms of positives, blogging is important for cultural exchange, helps one engage in critical reflection on his/her experiences, improves one’s writing skill, encourages one to engage in debates with the international community, etc. In terms of negatives, however, the fact that one can be anonymous can encourage some people to deliver his/her criticisms in a cruel way and to make comments without careful thinking. Although criticisms can be constructive and lead to positive evaluation, it can also be destructive, hurt and result in disappointment and frustration on the part of the one being criticised.

14. Do you consider yourself to be a spiritual person? What are your thoughts on religion and faith?

I am sympathetic towards the concept of spirituality, but the question I have not found an answer to yet is: What is spirituality?

15. Some time back an article I read mentioned that the Saudi authorities wanted all blogs to be registered and licensed. What are your thoughts on this?

I have not had any clear view on this issue yet.

16. Should bloggers within the Kingdom be allowed total freedom of expression or do you think that the authorities have a right to control this?

The problem is that Saudis were in the past exposed to hardly any communication channels, but now they are suddenly exposed to way so many communication channels (e.g. web-based forums, Facebook and Twitter) but without the necessary skills in constructive criticism. Saudis are not ready yet for freedom of expression given the lack of the skills concerned, and therefore training is needed to train Saudis in such skills. For example, university students should be trained in constructive criticism as part of the foundation year. In school, there should be in the so-called Nationalism Course some units concerning constructive criticism. Many of the criticisms I have come across in the Saudi online domains tend to be close to being destructive than being constructive, thus frustrating reforms, authorities and policy-makers.

17. What advise would you give to people out there who are thinking about starting up their own blog?

a. Write about what has not been written about yet.

b. Write in a diplomatic and characteristic way.

c. Write! Write even just about facts. Analysing and criticising are useful but not essential. What is essential is to share social facts with the international community even in a descriptive (i.e. uncritical) way.

d. Write in English even if you are not confident with your English skills. Writing in English will broaden your audience.

e. Always take notes of your ideas and thoughts even if you are at the toilet.

f. Writing a blog post should not take more than 3 hours, i.e. an hour for research, an hour for writing and an hour for proofreading.

g. Avoid writing long blog posts. Two paragraphs per post should be enough.

h. Choose a tidy template with less information on the right and left sides (i.e. with less distraction). 

19. Are there any other websites or internet publications that you write for?

a. I wrote an article for openDemocracy: (http://www.opendemocracy.net/abdulrahman-al-lily/writing-about-saudi-arabia)

b. I was interviewed by American Bedu (http://americanbedu.com/)

c. I wrote an academic article called On Line And Under Veil (http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0160791X11000066).

d. Another academic article is Teaching across gender lines: A Saudi innovation (http://sdrv.ms/X9Rxap)

e. Another scholarly article in the press is Social Change and Educational Technologies: By Invitation or Invasion

Once again, thank you very much Dr. Abdul, for taking the time to answer these questions. Desert Moon wishes you the very best in your career and beyond!!!! I strongly recommend all my fans, friends and family to please visit the blog ‘Sex and Beyond’. Kindly provide me with feedback and your thoughts regarding the blog.

Q3TCETW4B3SA