Wife to a controlling husband

Picture taken from www.joymag.co.za During the week I met a woman who came to the pharmacy for medication related to mental health.  As we started chatting, she simply broke down in tears. Her life story shadows the lives of many women out there going through the very same trials and tribulations of life. They simply continue living in silence.  Like all young women, she envisaged to meet her prince charming, get married and then live happily ever after. However, what started out as a fairy tale has now turned into a nightmare. My patient was apparently a young,vibrant and ambitious woman but after getting married she has become a subject of abuse through her husband’s controlling and dominant character. Prior to marriage she was a modern woman always looking out for trendy fashion and accessories. She excelled in her career and always wanted to be at the top.She was under the impression that her husband would accept her the way she is. That was of course wishful thinking. Whilst she is a devout Muslim woman who left her home dressed decently, she did not adorn the head scarf. A year after marriage, her husband forced her to cover her hair. She obliged thinking that in a way she is pleasing him. A few months later, he forced her to only wear the abaya when leaving the home. He threatened to divorce her if she did not obey. She had no objection wearing normal clothing with a head scarf. But he insisted on her wearing abayas only. Slowly but surely, her hubby was starting to control every aspect of her life. She has lost her sense of autonomy and individuality. She is unable to make any decision on her own. From a high flying career woman she has now been reduced into a housewife with no drive or ambition. Her own dreams and goals have been dashed. Her life only revolves around her husband and kids. This is eating her away internally. If she tries to voice her opinion, she is threatened with divorce. His latest ultimatum is forcing his wife to adorn a full niqaab or face veil. My personal advice to this woman was to get out of the relationship if she is unhappy and move on with her life. No one has a right to force anyone to do anything when it comes to religion. You can advice but not force. Religion is purely a sacred relationship  between you and your Lord. Guidance comes from God Almighty and He chooses whom he wishes to guide. Wearing a particular dress code does not qualify you to be a good human being. I don’t even get the logic of adorning an abaya. The abaya has suddenly become a symbol of a Muslim women’s dress code  and  yet Arabs themselves will tell you that the abaya is foreign to the Arabian Peninsula. It was introduced as a dress code after the Al Saud family took over leadership around the 1930’s. Prior to this, Arab women adorned beautiful kaftans and jilbaabs embellished with heavy embroidery and beading. Many of these garments can be viewed at the various museums within the Kingdom.  Almost every tradition in the Arab world has a legend behind it, and pieces of clothing are no exception according to Rym Tina Ghazal, an award winning journalist. “It is said that sometime in the eighth century  of the Abbasid Islamic period, a merchant selling cloaks ran out of all the colourful ones and was left with only black ones that no one wanted.He visited a poet friend of his over his plight and asked him for help. The poet then composed a  poem praising the beauty of a woman cloaked in black garment, a color he  hailed as one worn by the rich and noble.And ever since then, women flocked to buy the black ones as they all wanted to be “sensuous and beautiful.”That is one legend behind the black cloak or “abaya” worn by  women in the Arab world. Marriage should be a partnership between two people. It should never be about control or making your  partners life a misery. Many women waste away their lives staying in such relationships for the sake of the kids. What for?  If you not happy, I say move on. We all have only one shot at life and we all deserve to be  happy inwardly and outwardly. Why is it that when a man marries a woman, she is expected to suddenly miraculously change overnight and fit into his family’s way of life. I know of situations where women are literally given a list of dos and donts after marriage. This is absolute rubbish in my opinion. You are marrying someone to be their life partner. You are not marrying a puppet that you can control or dominate. Accept you wife the way she is and your relationship will  blossom. As the Arabic saying goes, “Kun anta tazdad jamaalah”. Be yourself and you will increase in beauty.