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I was married for just over 6 years and my marriage ended terribly. I also witnessed my parents marriage go horribly wrong and end in the most tragic of ways. I also witnessed the marriage of an elderly couple I care for dearly, end with the man hanging himself.
Over the past month or so, I have been in touch with family and friends who have been sharing their marital or relationship problems with me.
Recently, a lady who I consider my sister was told by her husband that, after bearing him two beautiful sons, that she is gone too fat. He does not love her anymore and wants out.
In another instance, a friend confided in me about how her ex-husband used to sexually force himself on her during his drug induced highs; albeit that he needed to inject himself in order to obtain an erection.
Yet another friend was left high and dry by her husband when it transpired that she had breast cancer. A few years on, and he has not paid any maintenance for the 4 kids they share.
My single friends have a plethora of tales of all the seemingly ludicrous things men want from a potential marriage. Men seem to think that they are entitled to dictate terms to potential spouses. They are not shy to set rules as to how their woman must dress, cook, behave, work or more likely not work, interact with family and friends; and such it seems as though men truly believe they live in a mans world.
This exposure definitely does not qualify me as an expert on the matter but it has given me a newfound appreciation for relationships. On a more personal level, it has made me question the man that I am, the man I was in my marriage and the partner I seek to be in the future.
Am I too soft? Am I too romantic? Am I too selfless? Am I a pushover? Am I a man?
This train of thought may seem ironic coming from a person who has to be a man every single moment in order to survive my current environment of prison, but I cannot help but be intruiged by the attitudes of men that is seen as acceptable.
In Indian South African homes, it is expected by the man and society that the wife will cook and take care of the house. By the time the husband returns from home, the house should be flawless and a sumptuous meal should be awating his arrival. My childhood home was this way too. Yet in my marriage it was the complete opposite. I would get home from work and prepare supper, which would be ready by the time my ex got home from the gym. I would then prepare and pack our lunches for the next day. Cleaning the house was left to the domestic worker. On weekends or when she felt like it, my ex would cook or bake. I did not mind cooking daily and saw nothing wrong with how we lived. Yet I know to most this arrangement will seem just plain wrong. Why though? Why is it wrong for a man to cook for his wife or family? By the way, I am now a qualified chef, is that not more reason for why I should cook when it is a passion of mine? If my partner isn't into cooking as much as I am, should I still "man up" and order that she cooks? Does cooking for your husband make one a better wife?
I guess with my ex, a lot of it came down to her working and studying at the same time; which brings me to another sore subject. When it comes to women working, men get very insecure. Men seem to think that their wife having a more successful career than them or God forbid earning more than them equates to instant emasculation. Suddenly, men become all pious and say that a woman should not work; but such hypocricy is exposed easily. At this point I will probably be labelled as modernist or worse, when in actual fact I am very old school in the respect that I do believe that it is a mans job to provide for his wife and family. Make no mistake, I do not for a moment see myself as a "house husband," I simply feel that if so many women across the world can work and take care of their homes, then why can a man not do the same? Why should a woman only labour for love?
Having a job or career brings about self-fulfillment that no man can give his spouse. Why then deny the one, you supposedly love more than anyone else, this opportunity at self-fulfillment?
When Indian men date women, then they are happy to be seen with a woman who shows off her figure and dresses modernly. Yet the same men want a wife who meets their criterion of modesty. Again, such hypocricy. Yes, as a Muslim man I would like my future wife to guide me towards jannah; but it is just as much my responsibility to do the same. The way in which it is done though is what bothers me. To the rest of the world, a man will be kind, sweet and gentle; but when it comes to his spouse he is harsh and abrupt. The very same men who will say they are doing their religious duty by being the man of the house fail to realise that kindness towards a spouse is also a Sunnah.
As a prisoner, I have lost pretty much everything that was dear to me. I miss a lot of it but the one thing that I miss more than anything else is love and companionship. Treasure the love and companion you have for love truly is life.
